There was a season when I felt so unseen and crippled by grief that even sitting in the pews of the church was painful. The constant reminders of all that I had lost and my growing list of unresolved regrets was just too much. My husband and I would literally park in the church parking lot, a blessing in San Francisco, and he would proceed to shake the hand of the greeter each Sunday, walking through the double doors thereafter. And me? Well, I walked away. For months. Nope. The coffee shop Verve down the street was just easier.
In those months, standing up in church and singing even “Amazing grace” felt like salt on a raw wound I had been carrying for many years.
Where was my Grace here and now?
And where was my God in this nightmare?
I later learned that God’s grace in that season, was not within the church walls or a parking lot in San Francisco or the frothy latte at the Verve… or even in mindfulness.
Rather His fingerprints and gentle whisper came in an old invitation in my email from months prior from a woman named Jeannie that I had said probably 2 words to prior. I even forgot what she looked like honestly. She had invited me to a Saturday “whatever you want to call it” coffee shindig she had just started on Saturday morning to drink coffee and chat.
Saturday mornings instead of Sunday mornings. Elevator music instead of hymns. And breakfast burritos and aromatherapy in her apartment sometimes instead of my crusty/crunchy week-old oatmeal. Yeah, I could do that, I thought. And so I did.
As it turns out this coffee group fed me more than burritos. Here were 4 beautiful women with beautiful stories of perseverance and grit for life. Women who through the power of Jesus were loving others where they were planted in anyway God allowed them. They shared stories that seemed sacred to me of fragile hope and answered prayers… but also stories of dreams deferred, and loss often involving sentences containing language like “what if He doesn’t?” that explored the middle-ground between faith and faithlessness and what it means to desire the Giver more than the gift. These creatives, teachers, missionaries, and finance whizzes radiated the very Presence of God, much like the book of Esther, sometimes without even uttering His name.
Through this coffee group, I encountered an important quality to the Church. The Church or Body of Christ or Bride of Christ is not a building, folks. It is not a bunch of walls and pews, fancy clothing, or hymns. But it is people. Imperfect, funny, sometimes sarcastic, kind, sometimes witty people who have evolving stories… people who are weathering varying degrees of heartache, abuse, addictions, depression, physical and mental illness, disabilities, abandonment/rejection, hopelessness, and loneliness… all by the grace of a perfect God. We the Church are people, limping either physically, emotionally, or spiritually… but we love Jesus. And as such, we are resolved to love and pursue the perfect God of the universe and to loving all people with the love of Jesus Christ. Sometimes that love takes the form of worship, singing ancient hymns within a church. But more often than not, that love means having coffee or breakfast burritos and listening to a bleeding heart who has “reached the end of the rope” OR meeting a neighbor’s social needs as they weather an unexpected crisis OR donating money to an organization that serves a disadvantaged people group OR courageously sharing your pain with others who are also likely weathering varying storms before you “come out on the other side” OR finally completing that specific task that you promised someone weeks ago (including your spouse) you would attend to… or praying for and checking on someone who has crossed your heart for the third time this week.
God, am I THANKFUL that the Church is not a building but people who are invested in loving God and loving others (Galatians 5:14). While we do not do it perfectly by any means, having been on the receiving end of this courageous love, I can tell you from my experience of 1 that it is life-giving and life-sustaining in ways that are indescribable. I too have been wounded at differing points in time by people within the Church even if the pain was inflicted unintentionally. For me, understanding that the Church is full of imperfect people like me too has enabled me, with time and through the power of God, to forgive those who have harmed me and to heal in ways that have strengthened my bond with Jesus and the Body of Christ.
So, thank you to Jeannie, Caprice, Jen, and Jessie for your courageous love. For your capacity to see people before ministry and creative opportunities to do fellowship with complete strangers beyond walls of the church. You each have inspired me to be salt of the earth and to embrace the story God has given me to soften my own heart’s capacity to see and serve those who are hurting in my own sphere of influence.
If you are in a season today where you for any reason do not be comfortable walking or sitting or standing in a church building, I encourage you to take your heart to the God who cares deeply for you. This does not make you a bed person, or faithless, or hopeless. You and I are exactly the persons Jesus came and died for and He cares deeply about your heart and your soul wellness. I encourage you to talk to God and share honestly why going to church is difficult for you and ask Him specifically to bring the Church to you. Maybe even aloud at home alone; screaming and crying, anger and frustration and whatever other emotion you are feeling is also welcome. Ask Him specifically to send you people to love and support you through the power of Jesus without shame or condemnation exactly where you are. Pray for His continued presence amidst the hard in this season. And finally, I encourage you to take a second look at the creative tools He may have already provided in your own hand. Maybe it’s a call to your therapist or counselor who cares deeply about your wellness. Maybe it’s a devotional book that brings His Word to life for you to help you get through the hard season that you are in. Or maybe like me, it’s a forgotten email or text from weeks or months back from someone from church or work that you barely know or a friend or relative you haven’t spoken to in a very long time that can be a source of His support and love in this season. Think creatively, welcome His Ingenuity, and trust that He will provide for all of your needs. Jesus is near to the broken-hearted, and I know that His eyes are fully turned towards you .
With love,
Ifeoma
Miles of Courage 