Miles of Courage

I used to be a morning person. Meal prepping, writing, and praying, even dancing and exercising, all before the sun comes up.

But, with the recent birth of my second living child, M, (and 2 babies under 2 years old) my 6am is rapidly evolving into the most anxiety-provoking time of my day.

At 6am, the feeling of defeat from yet another night clocking in < 3 hours of collective sleep is finally sinking in. It’s when the clanking sound of my 22-month old’s ratty (more like ratched) doorway baby gate breaks the still silence of our 2^nd floor. A tearful, slightly distressed (wait for it) “Mama?!” will almost assuredly follow it seconds later. 6am is when I run “the list” of all the things; the ones I am desperate to do for me and the pile of “us” or “them” stuff that should have been done a while ago. My personal prayer and meditation time with God, assembling our breakfast plates while I still have two free arms, brushing and flossing my teeth, showering, cleaning the humidifier, and finally arranging the pile of clean clothes that has been on my bedroom floor for the past week. Oh, and kissing my husband good morning too, I suppose.

By 6:08am, our once quiet house has erupted into a pandemonium of sorts: crying and verbal pleas galor, each of us with our own mounting expectations (ergh, demands) of one another.

Is anyone else hyperventilating?

 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.” I’ve sang these words from an old Christian hymn to my daughter, A, most mornings since she was born. “His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning.” Most of the time, I believe them. While my heart and soul have lived the trueness of these words, at 6am, my very tired mind and body struggle to accept them. Some days, it feels more like I am faking it until I make it and my default tendency is to just “keep plugging away;” afterall, noone else will ever know anyway, right? Try as I may to move past this, a question remains:

How is God faithful in spaces of smoldering/snowballing “defeat” that no one else sees but us?

Maybe you are like me right now at 6am. Or maybe your 6am is actually a 5pm battle at the end of a workday. Or the middle of the day when the many triggers of grief, anxiety, or relational turmoil abound. And noone knows that you are struggling but you.

Here are 3 Scripture Scripts that are helping me to survive these long days.

1. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV: “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”: The words of the hymn above are actually based on these words from Lamentations. The very fact that of all places in Bible, these words about God’s faithfulness are in a book entitled “lamentations” is a reminder that even in spaces of lament (which has many manifestations including weariness, frustration, dissappointment, regret, and mourning) that God’s faithfulness to provide for ALL of our needs stands unchanged. Looking for his faithfulness at 6am helps redirect my focus from my internal and external struggles to one of gratitude and endurance.
2. Roman’s12:5 ESV: “… so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” This verse reminds me that I am not alone in these struggles! Even at 6am when noone else seems to be awake. I’ve found that texting a good friend and asking for prayer or voicing my struggles to my husband amidst the chaos, invites others who love me to pray for and with me. We were made to do life together and even at 6am, finding ways to do so makes the burden a good bit lighter.
3. Romans 8:38-39 ESV: “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Believe it or not, most of the struggle I face at 6am are internal: my own unmet expectations and impossible standards. Because I can’t pray or reflect or meditate the way I would like to or I am used to, I can start to feel distanced from God. This verse reminds me that I am in fact not distanced from Him in such spaces. Nothing can ever seperate us from His love, not even sleepless nights and botched schedules, at 2am or 2pm. It also holds true at 6am and it helps me to remember that my feelings are valid. But they are feelings, not truth.

As we work through this transitional time in our household, I will be praying that you will be supported in your own individual spaces of courageous transition, by sources of encouragement, community, and the presence of God which is Peace.

Sincerely,

A [very] tired Ifeoma